Weekly Game Pitch #3
By Guest Columnist, Scott Rush
Hey, thanks for visiting. If this is your first time here, let me tell you what this is all about. Otherwise, just skip this part. Basically, I've been trying to get the wet brains here to accept one of my concepts for a while, but it's been pretty hard. Everybody has this attitude like if they didn't think of the idea, it blows, or if they didn't pay a few million in licensing fees, nobody will recognize a cool idea. I keep thinking that even Mario was a new idea once, and if I brought in Mario they'd say "Who cares about plumbers, you moron!" but I know I've got some great ideas, and eventually someone will pick one up, even if it's by accident.
Last week's meeting was another fiasco. First, I forgot to get sugar for Bob's coffee, so he was all shirty and said in front of everybody that I couldn't be trusted to find a cucumber in a pickle factory, which is stupid because pickles are made from cucumbers, so there'd by plenty of them lying around in bins or tanks or whatever they keep them in. If you didn't know where they were kept, you could always ask somebody. Duh!
Also, there was some new guy at the meeting, some VP of something, and he kept glaring at me or maybe he just always looks cross, but he made me really nervous and when I brought up Y2K 2000 he rolled his eyes like he was the dad on some sitcom and his wife just did something unbelievably dumb. Then he says, "Are there any serious proposals, or can we move on to the parking spots issue?" Everybody kind of froze for a second, and when I said I had another idea I could swear he bared his teeth for a second. That parking business must be pretty important.
I expected the marketing people to be all over Puddin' Bears, and they were. They were all cooing and moaning like sick pigeons, so I figured I'd scored a direct hit, until that kind of stuck-up girl said "Hold your socks, Scottie. I gotta say, cute idea. You're new here so maybe you don't know: the only reason everybody's groaning is because about four years ago we almost went out of business putting out a dog called Cereal Cats. So thanks, for playing, okay?" She's really cute, but right then instead of wondering what she'd look like in a nightgown, like I usually do, I was wondering what she'd look like in body cast. I decided she'd still look cute.
But you know, nothing gets me down for long. In fact, bad times just stir my imagination and make me try harder to succeed. In about nine hours I already had some more new ideas to add to my games notebook.
This is so wild even I wonder how I came up with it! The idea is a war scenario between radical conservation types and hard core loggers, and they decide to settle who gets custody of the Sequoias by having this massive contest with skidders and chain saws and giant Caterpillar earthmovers and stuff, plus some chemical warfare and tree-spike guns. The sick thing is, the tree-hugger who knocks down the most trees gets the most points for his team, and the logger dude who saves the most trees gets the most points for the logger team.
This is a comical concept, where you have this great big fat super hero that eats TV dinners and fires microwaves that cook his enemies. I thought of it right near dinnertime, so it's hard to tell if it's a good idea or if I was just hungry, but there would be this good-looking female sidekick called Appetizer and probably their young ward or maybe a cute dog named Agita. They would battle a whole host of villains like the sinister Sal Monella and the Ptomaine Team. You know, all food kind of stuff.
So, that's the line-up I'm gonna spring at next week's meeting. Oh wow. I just got an email from the VP guy with the creepy eyes suggesting that in the future maybe it would be a good idea to present my ideas to him in private before the meeting, supposedly to "spare me chagrin" if my ideas get shot down. I don't mind chagrin, whatever that is, so I'd like to suggest that he mind his own beeswax, since he's not my boss, but as Kevin is always pointing out, when a VP says jump, you don't ask why, you wonder where he got his barber's license.