My Weekly Game Pitch #2
By Guest Columnist, Scott Rush
Hey everybody. Thanks for checking in. I could use a little cheering up, because my week has been just awful. The new girl in Finance I thought liked me it turns out has a thing for that jerk with the earring in the Web Group. Bob caught me hiding in the server room again and got really steamed and kind of hinted that they might hold a job fair at the zoo and find a better employee. I didn't bother pointing out that the zoo isn't even open on Monday.
Well, last week's ideas didn't go over too well. At first it looked like I had a chance, because the guy from the Mail Department was all over my Stilt Race 2000 idea, really up about it. Then this English dip on the conference call starting making fun of the Mail guy's accent and the Mail guy said something about how the limey jerk would be spreching Deutsche if we didn't pull his weak-kneed, faded-colonial-empire bacon out of the fire in World War I and World War II, and the whole thing got out of control. The upshot was that the concept was "tabled", which pretty much means they put it in a big pile with all the ideas they don't use unless the stock analysts start making phone calls and they get desperate.
And the Dance Club idea? When I first told it, everybody looked at me and shook their heads as if they had just gone swimming and there was water in their ears. I was all set to explain why it's such a righteous idea if you have any feel at all for what the public likes when this Licensing dweeb started in about mixing cartoons and live action and pay-per-view party-down pajama parties, and then some lady I don't know was asking what kind of clubs did I mean and could I get her in and did I know any cute guys. When I said "Yknow, just some cool places that famous people go", she laughed and said I wouldn't know cool if I lived in a walk-in freezer. I acted like "so what, you fat stupid cow!" but I was stung. But not for long. Like I say, I've got a hundred great ideas that are going to make this company millions, and I'll be laughing when the Licensing dweeb is back stocking shelves at Payless and that lady is standing outside a velvet rope! Here's the ones I'm going to spring on them next week. I think they're killer!
A futuristic computer-dominated society is threatened by some kind of obscure coding thing that doesn't work and could make the lights go out, so all these vigilante types horde weapons and fuel and water and salty snacks and maraud around stealing gas and killing people and trying to get girls to like them. It could be like Road Warrior but with computers and religious nuts and have really sexy high-polygon-count girls with awesome weapons and vehicles. Titles with 2000 in them do really well, too.
Everybody loves those Japanese games with characters with big eyes, right? Especially kids and girls, and we don't have that many titles for them, which is dumb because just looking around at all the girls around you can tell it's a huge market. Also, everybody likes desert, again, extra ditto kids and chicks. So, this would have these cute animals that were deserts, and the main ones are the Pudding Bears. This will have the game play of something like Zelda combined with syrupy sweetness. There are levels like Goldie Grahams and the Three Pudding Bears, Little Red Pudding Bears, They Might Be Pudding Bears, Pudding Bears' Sense of Snow, The Heart is a Lonely Pudding Bear - you know, classic themes everybody can relate to, especially girls. Plus, the licensing possibilities are endless, from real deserts to toys to cartoon shows, which ought to distract the dopes in Licensing.
Pretty cool, right? I'm psyched. I'll let you know what the brain trust in the Star Chamber says. Sooner or later they're gonna love one of ideas, and then I'm going to grow my hair longer than John Romero's and tell Bob where to shop for shoes. Until then, I think I hear him asking where the hell that moron Scott is, so I better scoot.
Oh, and just so you know? All this stuff is © Scott Rush, so don't try to rip me off, because I'll know. My sister dated this lawyer for a while, and he still calls her sometimes, so be prepared for a legal ass whipping if you try to steal any of my ideas.